Scared to start dating

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—All semblance of harmony lost in the maelstrom of books, electronics, and random keepsakes that lay before him, local man Ron Beck reportedly became grimly aware of what chaos he had wrought 20 minutes into organizing his bedroom shelves Wednesday.FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his.WASHINGTON—Deeply moved by her boldness under such circumstances, citizens from around the country were reportedly inspired Thursday by the bravery of a teenager who walked into a local Mc Donald’s wearing only a bikini.ARLINGTON, MA—Fondly watching him as he joined a group of other men his age huddled around a classic car, members of the Altman family were reportedly excited Wednesday to see their dad making friends in their new neighborhood.The Law of Attraction is creating the reality you are telling it to create with your thoughts and feelings.

CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday.

(OK, the exhibitionist part of me was a little bit delighted.) Am I afraid that no-one will come to my blog? That I won’t meet the goals I’ve stated quite publicly to people I don’t like and who will gleefully revel in my failure? I’d love to make this into a handy bulleted list with lots of outgoing link love. I dropped out of college and people told me I would never make anything of myself. I’m afraid I won’t be able to enjoy it because of the guilt.

Then everyone could “like” it and tweet it and I could be the linkbait queen of the world. I’m afraid of finding out five years from now that we should have had more kids. I’m afraid that now that I’m living my dream, I will be struck by a fatal illness and not live to enjoy it.

WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands.

SUNNYVALE, CA—Expressing their concern at the man’s unsettling behavior, uneasy Internet users reported Saturday that some “total creep” has just been hanging around the Entertainment Weekly website all day long.

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